Lobby Mints Mean Business

She elevated above the throw pillows. Aloft, smiling, secure in her serenity. A floating beauty. People came from all over town to praise her, offer gifts, bask in her radiant glow.

Turned out her radiant glow caused cancer. The floating alone should have tipped people off. This is why I don't leave my basement.

Coach told us to give all we had. As his crew went through our pockets, we smiled at one another. The joke was on Coach. It was a bye week.

The house burned well into the night. Lit up the street like a Christmas tree, which is funny, because it was Easter.

The killer whales returned, obnoxious as ever. If they didn't have "killer" in their name, I bet more people would protest.

As as kid, I carried around a big can of Raid that I kept in a shoulder holster. Every bug was an instant duel. Five paces then SHHHOOOSH. Coated in foamy poison.

I never lost a duel. One mantis gave me a fight. Took nearly half a can to kill him. A worthy opponent. Bugs today are soft.

The bake sale tanked. I was gonna blame the buzzard pies, but they sold well last year. Must be the market.

Don't you hate movies where actors look into the camera? I don't pay good money to be watched. I can walk through the mall nude and get that for free.

The Great Bunny Spirit appeared to me one night. It rose outside my bedroom window, reassuring me that all would be well, I had nothing to fear.

Seems some local teens threw a dead rabbit at my window. They can mock my faith, but just wait until they have something to lose.

Peace is overrated. What if you want to hit something?